Order of the Xineohp
by Simurgh
Summary: A parody on characters' personalities, their likes/dislikes &c. They're all opposite now, from Petunia to Kreacher! Set mostly in Grimmauld Place, OotP meeting. R&R, por favor.
1. Chapter 1

Harry was woken up by a soft nudge, and the sweet voice of his aunt said: "Harry, dear, we're going out. You have sandwiches and a strawberry sundae in the fridge; eat as much as you want, Dudley said he's not hungry. Oh, and, not to forget, he said something about some computer game - if you can help him and kill some... alien boss, I think, for him... All right, see you, sweetie-pie." Petunia looked at him dearly and quietly went out. He soon heard their car speeding away.

Harry mumbled something and sat up. Hedwig was whistling some melody and croaked to Harry: "'Edwig wants a cracker! 'Edwig 'ungrrry!"

"All right, all right." He stood up, groggy and bleary-eyed, and went to the kitchen. He overslept the whole afternoon and he still felt tired. He shouldn't have drank so much beer last night, but him and good ol' Big D were having so much fun. Harry smiled. They sure made those little morons think next time before disgracing D's athletic figure.

Little faces were watching Harry from inside the fridge, as he opened the door. "Oh, you silly woman," Harry thought, "We're fifteen!" But he took the smiling sandwich faces and readily ate them all.

"'Edwig 'ungrry!", the owl uttered from Harry's room. He cursed and cut some bread, but before he could take it to Hedwig, the main door opened, followed by a sound of thunder. Eight or nine dark silhouettes contoured on the stormy sky, glaring at Harry with their fiery eyes. He froze in shock.

"NOOO... You, there!" Harry was furious. "Can't you see you're standing on Petunia's lawn! Gee! And when I just think how diligently Dudley mowed the grass and how persistently Auntie tried to make those pansies to flower! Move, goddamnit!"

"Oh, do shut up, Potter," someone said.

Harry tried to recall the voice. "Lupin?"

The people came in one by one, wiping their feet on the rug. One of them was truly Lupin, cocky as always, in one of his many Versace suits. Next to him stood... "Mad-eye Moody?"

"Yarrrr", answered Alastor Moody.

"Nymphadora Tonks", a young woman shook his hand. She was dressed in an elegant grey costume. "You can call me Nymphadora... Wow, the newest Samsonite brief case!" Nymphadora admired Mr. Dursley's most serious brief case.

"This is Kingsley Shacklebolt," Lupin pointed to a tiny pale wizard with white-blond hair, who was eyeing Harry dubiously. He said, "Are you sure this is Potter? He doesn't look much like James - or Lily - to me..."

"Yarrr, who cares." Moody was toying with the magnets on the fridge, especially with a big ladybug. He stealthily glanced through the back of his head and slipped the magnet in his pocket.

After all of them presented themselves to Harry, Lupin ordered him to pack his stuff and ready the broom. "We're leaving immediately, on an important business."

"But... I can't leave my family without saying goodbye! Auntie will be desperate!"

"You can leave them a note," Lupin suggested, "But do it quickly, Potter, we don't have much time to waste."

"I could type it for you," Nymphadora interrupted. "First prize for fast typing on The Annual Amanuensis Competition in the Ministry of Magic this June. Whaddaya say, huh?"

They flew up and soon started freezing to death. Little icicles hung from their brooms, but Mad-Eye Moody insisted to keep heading north. "Arrr! Muggle looking up!" he yelled.

"It's just an Eskimo ... And he's not looking up, he's fishing. Oh, lookie, a walrus!" Tonks said.

"Mad-Eye, shall we get back on the course?", Lupin asked, "I think you saw enough of Greenland. My Gucci shoes started to glaciate..."

"Narrr! Wait 'til I see an igloo! Then we will go back."

Luckily, they saw an original Inuit igloo soon afterwards. Blissful Moody and excruciated rest sharply turned South-Southeast and headed to London. Harry felt the city lights melt the ice from his hair and brow as they descended. The crew landed their brooms in a small, gloomy square.

Lupin handed Harry a piece of paper. "Potter, take a look at this. Chop-chop, hurry up!"

Harry opened it and read the note, which was written in elegant calligraphy well known to him:

Roses are red, violets are blue. The Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix at number twelve, Grimmauld Place, London, found may be. Abandon all hope, thou who enterest.

Also, two smaller papers fell on his palm: "Your future is as boundless as the lofty heaven," and "Help! I'm being held hostage in a Chinese fortune-cookie factory!" What the... "Lupin? Since when is Dumbledore working in a fortune-cookie factory?"

"What? No, he's not. Dumbledore's on a very important meeting with the Chinese Minister of Magic in Beijing. Come on, get in." He pointed towards a tall house which was emerging between numbers eleven and thirteen. He approached a dark door and tapped it with his wand, ignoring the silver, serpent-like doorknocker.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry followed the crew into the evil-looking house. "Oh, no!" He thought to himself, "They've turned bad! They're taking me to The-One-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Auntie, why, oh, why did I ever leave the house!" He felt the tears welling up. And then he heard the sexiest voice ever...

"Hi, sugar ... Welcome to Casa del Negro ... I'll be your own, your personal ... mmm ... guide ... today ... On your left, you can see a 16th century ... mmm ... Ming vase ... On your right, you can see a kitchen door ..." Harry found the source of the beautiful voice. It was coming from a painting of the hottest woman he had ever seen, sprawling on the beach in a red bikini a la Baywatch. She continued euphoniously: "...This very door was carved by ... mmm ... Michaelus Bonnarottenus, genius art–"

"Mummy dear, let the guests breathe; they've just gotten here," interrupted a man with long, black hair. "Oh, it's you, Potter." He gave Harry a haughty look.

"Why, hello, Sirius," Harry greeted his godfather who continued chatting to his good old mum: "Remember, the afternoon tour will come here at five o'clock; they're Japanese tourists, so please be sure to show them our collection of Czechoslovakian porcelain shepherdesses; I've heard they're mad about them."

"Hello, mate," Lupin said, "has the meeting started yet?"

"No, feel free to accommodate, the dinner isn't served yet. Oh, that reminds me – Kreacher", he yelled, "Don't let that peacock scorch! I'm sorry gentlemen, I must go save the dinner." He ran through the kitchen door (by the way, the famous carvings on it represented flying cherubs painted in gold, azure and pink).

Harry climbed the stairs, which looked like Antonio Gaudi had designed them after a bad dream, wood and wrought iron curving and bubbling all over them, and entered his new room.

First thing he saw was a gruesome, beast-like head, growling at him. Harry screamed. Then someone else screamed too.

TO BE CONTINUED...

.

.

.  
In previous episode:

"Oh, no! They've turned bad! They're taking me to The-One-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!"...

"Welcome to Casa del Negro... I'll be your own, your personal ... mmm..." said a sexy voice, coming from the hottest woman he had ever seen, sprawling on the beach in a red bikini...

"Oh, it's you, Potter", interrupted a man with long, black hair.  
"Why, hello, Sirius..."

"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow..."*

"SKREEEEK!" "Run! Save your lives!"... BANG!... BANG!... "Noooo!"

.

.

Harry climbed the stairs which looked like Antonio Gaudi had designed them after a bad dream, wood and wrought iron curving and bubbling all over them, and entered his new room.

First thing he saw was a gruesome, beast-like head, growling at him. Harry screamed before he noticed it's just an ugly wardrobe. Then someone screamed too.

"HARRY! Oh. my. gosh, this is sooo cool!" Harry heard Hermione's teenage Californian girl™ voice and turned around to see a tanned, blonde girl in a mini skirt and white 6 inch heels. "Hi, Hermione."

"Harry! You won't believe what happened! I think Ron's in, like, totally in love with me! I mean, last night, he was like totally staring at me, and I was like: 'OMG!' and then I kinda flirted with him, and he was like melting, I mean, you know how popular I am at school and he's not, and now I, Hermione Granger, am, like, flirting with him! And he's a geek! I mean, he's my best friend and all, but, Harry, I never thought he's actually kinda cute! But he is! The way he stares at me, like some doggy or something, I mean, it's, like, sooo uber cute! And then I was li–"

Harry, like, totally stopped listening to her. Few moments later, Ron came in, blushing at the sight of Hermione swirling around, looking like a tawdry Barbie doll. Books fell from his nervous arms and Harry kicked some of them to see the front covers. Antimalware Malwarebytes, Elementary Behavior of Quark-Gluon Plazma by Prof. Dr. Phy. Med. Phi. Sci. Yamagochi Harasaki Schlochtenberg and How to Be Popular: 10 Easy Steps to Make Girls Drown Over You.

"Hermi ... Ahm ... I ... Ehm ... Hello, Harry." He tangled, "Mum says the dinner's served."

The trio entered the kitchen and met with a gigantic table covered with fifty eggs, a couple of roasted boars, a roasted albino peacock, 20 Mandarin ducks, 50 gallons of best French wine, 50 gallons of Irish Butterbeer, 10 gallons of Dom Perignon, 30 types of salad, a huge seven-tier cake decorated more than a Christmas tree, gilded Italian icecreams, 60 types of confections and much, much more. Here and there between the food, Harry could see Sirius, Lupin, Tonks, the Weasleys, Mad-Eye, Kingsley, Snape, and a wizard who looked like St. Bernard dog. The Bernarder was arguing with Sirius.

"Look, mate, if you could lend me these goblets, I could exchange them for newest Ikea dining set..."

"Mundungus, How many times do I have to repeat: those are not just any goblets, they're finest goblin's silver goblets, with The Black's crest engraved on them! And they're NOT for sale!"

"Yes mate, but look, they're so old-fashioned, and my company, Ikea, would be glad to sell you our modern, most popular, high-quality plastic dining set, winner of 1994 Sweerdjengbeorgendorg Prize! And these goblets ..."

"GOBLIN'S SILVER goblets!"

"Yeah, those. They'll be donated to charity, I'll personally give them to "The Little Match Girl" foundation ..."

Harry sat somewhere between Tonks, a picturesque vegetable ikebana and a pork's head. Tonks wore a strict-looking bun and an elegant steel gray costume, and she was talking to Ron about his future career in the Ministry of Magic, Department of Scientific Experimental Nuclear Magic. Next to Ron, Fred and George, his autistic brothers, sat quietly and gloomily. Hermione talked and flirted with the air around her, and Mr. Weasley was explaining to Kingsley Shacklebolt the importance of creating a Muggle-hunting squad.


End file.
